The Best Ubyssey Items to Use as Gift Wrap

We all love a good vintage look, but be careful not to mess up any historical artifacts! Screenshot via UBC

So you’ve been stopping at the Salvation Army Macdonald/Broadway every day this month waiting for the sweet, sweet music of that accordion bus to pick you up and take you to campus, where events you’re too busy and imminent deadlines await you. You cling to the treasures that are new to you and you find an ounce of common sense in them. Another ounce can be found in a copy of the last Ubyssian, that you get from the Nest. Learning that, yes, everyone is laughing at you for running from the Sally to the 99 every day could take your focus away from your plummeting GPA.

But suddenly there is a change. Deadlines pass. The exams are over. The old engineers who ferociously shovel coal into your internal stress-fuelling boilers have gone home for the holidays. You’ve finally calmed down…until you realize: I forgot to get a present for literally someone other than myself.

Who had time? Who had the money? You did it! But don’t worry, come the end of November, you actually have everything you need to spread the holiday cheer: a bunch of third-hand items, used from mild to aggressive ( from that controversial but oh so brave yellow sweater that seriously clashes with your SAD to that delicious candle that’s now just a shriveled wick in a mute cup), and an abundance of oversized, bulky pieces of paper!

All you have to do is decide which Matless Twister (yeah, it’s just the box and the spinner) each of your loved ones will get, and you can count on me to do the rest. It’s true. Here are five of the best Ubyssian items you should sacrifice from your collection for this year’s Big Wrap™.

Top 10 Bathrooms on UBC Campus (+ Top 3 Worst)

With great power comes great responsibility. And with great poor comes great ingenious ability. So find a way to sum up something in the screenshots of the latest Ubmojo video! Such creativity is sure to charm that student film acquaintance whose relationship with you is like the bathroom in Buchanan Tower – “It’s not even on one of the floors, it’s halfway up of the stairwell.”

Behind the scenes: what to expect from this weekend’s Winter Classic

Yes, this article is from 2019 – but so is your last hockey thought, so this wrapping paper will be more personal than any recent sports news story. As soon as the package arrives at your dad’s doorstep in Calgary, the UofC’s fiery red T-rex mascot will surely let him know this one is just for him.

Spooky Scary Stories: Pumpkin

This will be the packaging and the gift for goofy cousin Rebecca who wishes it was always Halloween and dresses like she always is. This little bus which is fourteen years old and loves dusk will feel the love of this special dedication to girls like her…until she gets to the end of the story…muahaha!

Ubyssian sex survey 2021

For the mother-in-law trying to get to know you better, here are some interactive graphs and charts to demonstrate that you’re part of the majority – the 34.39% of UBC students who only talk about sex with ” close friends and never with their family”. You will also get that looky-loo thrill yourself while wrapping a present in this – Eh! We’re not the only ones who had sex in the “Nitobe Garde” (and we’re not the only ones apparently trying to type “gardens”)!

Mushrooms 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Magic Mushrooms

In a word: iconic. In 600 words: educational. It’s the Ubyssey’s most popular item. So much so that there was even a twirldisabled! So not only will you be introducing the recipient of this gift to the magical world of hallucinogens, but you will also be giving them insight into the Ubyssian in general. Really, to know this article is to know the content of our entire student newspaper and what passes for excellence around here. And isn’t that the point of vacations?

Note: The inclusion of this article is the blog editor’s secret Santa gift to the science editor.

Amanda J. Marsh